It is finally here!

Understanding Human Relationships

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

One of the most important relationship lessons I learned was this: The relationships we have with other people are projections of the relationships we have within ourselves. Our external relationships and our internal relationships are in fact the same relationships. They only seem different because we look at them through different lenses.

Let’s consider why this is true. Where do all your relationships exist? They exist in your thoughts. Your relationship with another person is whatever you imagine it to be. Whether you love someone or hate someone, you’re right. Now the other person may have a completely different relationship to you, but understand that your representation of what someone else thinks of you is also part of your thoughts. So your relationship with someone includes what you think of that person and what you believe s/he thinks of you. You can complicate it further by imagining what the other person thinks you think of him/her, but ultimately those internal representations are all you have.

Even if your relationships exist in some objective reality independent of your thoughts, you never have access to the objective viewpoint. You’re always viewing your relationships through the lens of your own consciousness. The closest you can get to being objective is to imagine being objective, but that is in no way the same thing as true objectivity. That’s because the act of observation requires a conscious observer, which is subjective by its very nature.

At first it might seem troublesome that you can never hope to gain a truly accurate, 100% objective understanding of your relationships. You can never escape the subjective lens of your own consciousness. That would be like trying to find the color blue with a red lens permanently taped over your eyes. That doesn’t stop people from trying, but such attempts are in vain. If you fall into the trap of trying to think of your relationships as objective entities that are external to you, you’ll be using an inescapably inaccurate model of reality. Consequently, the likely outcome is that you’ll frustrate yourself to no end when it comes to human relationships. You’ll make relating to other people a lot harder than it needs to be. Intuitively you may know something is off in your approach to relationships, but you’ll remain stuck until you realize that every relationship you have with another person is really a relationship that exists entirely within yourself.

Fortunately, once you embrace the subjective nature of relationships, you’ll have a much easier time relating to people. It’s easier to get where you want to go when you have an accurate map. The subjective view of relationships implies that you can change or improve your relationships with others by working on the internal relationships within yourself. Furthermore, you can improve your internal relationships, such as your self-esteem, by working on your relationships with others. Ultimately it’s all the same thing.

Here’s a basic example of how this works.

When I first met Erin, I quickly noticed she had an aversion towards orderliness. Having a messy room was a habit since childhood, and being organized was a concept forever alien to her. In Erin’s filing cabinet, I once found a file labeled “Stuff I Don’t Need.” Chew on that for a while.

On the other hand, I grew up in a house that was always — and I do mean always — neat and tidy. Even as a child, I took pride in keeping my room clean and well organized. So it probably comes as no surprise that I often push Erin to be neater and more organized.

If we try to look at this situation “objectively,” you might suggest solutions like me working on becoming more tolerant of disorder, Erin working on being neater, or a mixture of both. Or you might conclude we’re incompatible in this area and that we should try to find ways to reduce the level of conflict. Basically the solution will be some kind of compromise that seeks to mitigate the symptoms, but the core issue remains unresolved.

Let’s see what the subjective lens has to say now. This model says that my relationship with Erin is purely within my own consciousness. So my conflict with Erin is just the projection of an internal conflict. Supposedly my desire for Erin to be neater and more organized means that I really want to improve in this area myself. Is that true? Yes, I have to admit that it is. When I criticize Erin for not being neat enough, I’m voicing my own desire to become even more organized.

This is an entirely different definition of the problem, one that suggests a new solution. In this case the solution is for me to work on improving my own standards for neatness and order. That’s a very different solution than what we get with the objective model. To implement this solution, Erin needn’t even be involved.

From the standpoint of the objective model, this subjective solution seems rather foolish. If anything it will only backfire. Wouldn’t my working on becoming neater just increase the conflict between me and Erin?

Now here’s the really fascinating part. When I actually tried the subjective solution by going to work on myself, Erin suddenly began taking a keen interest in becoming more organized herself. She bought new home office furniture and assigned new homes to objects that were previously cluttering her workspace. She hired a cleaning service to clean the house and did more decluttering before they came over. She bought new bedroom furniture for our children. She did a lot of purging and donated many old items to charity. She began looking for a housekeeper and wrote up a list of cleaning tasks to be outsourced. And I really wasn’t pushing her to do this. If anything she started pushing me a bit.

Somehow when I worked on myself (recognizing that this is an internal issue, not an external one), Erin came along for the ride. I’ve tested this pattern in other ways, and it continues to play out. My ”external” relationships keep changing to keep pace with my internal relationships. I’ve seen this effect with other people too, but it’s been most obvious with Erin and my kids, since they’re the people I spend the most time with. It’s rather spooky at times how strong and immediate the effect is. However, the subjective model suggests that this is exactly how reality works, so I’m glad to have a paradigm that fits the results.

I encourage you to experiment to see how your external relationships reflect your internal ones. Try this simple exercise: Make a list of all the things that bother you about other people. Now re-read that list as if it applies to you. If you’re honest you’ll have to admit that all of your complaints about others are really complaints about yourself. For example, if you dislike George Bush because you think he’s a poor leader, could this be because your own leadership skills are sub par? Then go to work on your own leadership skills, or work on becoming more accepting of your current skill level, and notice how George Bush suddenly seems to be making dramatic improvements in this area.

It can be hard to admit that your complaints about others are really complaints about yourself, but the upside is that your relationship issues reveal where you still need to grow. Consequently, a fantastic way to accelerate your personal growth is to build relationships with others. The more you interact with others, the more you learn about yourself.

I believe the true value of human relationships is that they serve as pointers to unconditional love. According to the subjective model, when you forgive, accept, and love all parts of yourself, you will forgive, accept, and love all other human beings as they are. The more you improve your internal relationships between your thoughts, beliefs, and intentions, the more loving and harmonious your human relationships will become. Hold unconditional love in your consciousness, and you’ll see it reflected in your reality.

Ask Steve - Sex

This is a specific example of a particular area of my life that I’m currently struggling with, as a continuation of this post from the “Ask Steve” series.

The third area that’s been a challenge for me is sex… specifically the role of sexuality in my life. Again, this comes down to a question of definition. I’m not really sure what I want.

Without getting graphic I’ll just say that Erin and I enjoy a very healthy sex life. I think we have some advantages because we both work from home, so we can basically drop for it whenever we want. :) While there’s an obvious physical component to sex, I really enjoy the emotional bonding aspect of it. I notice that I tend to feel much closer to her in the hours after we make love.

That wasn’t always the case though. At the age of 17, Erin fell into an unhealthy 3-1/2 year relationship where she was sexually and emotionally abused. With the support of her sorority sisters, she eventually found the courage to leave the abuser. She had sporadic short-term relationships after that, but nothing too deep. She and I met when she was 24, and the early years of our relationship involved a lot of healing of those old wounds. Those were frustrating times for both of us, but we did eventually work through it all. In fact, a key benefit was that I learned to tune into my intuition, since logic was getting us nowhere.

Sex can be a wonderful vehicle for personal growth, especially in a long-term relationship. Sure it feels good too, but the long-term benefit is that sex can reveal emotional blocks you still need to work through. Your deepest emotional issues will surface during sex, including low self-esteem, fear of inadequacy, or a poor relationship with your body. How you view sex is indicative of your larger life as well. Empty and meaningless sex life? You probably don’t see much meaning in your life yet. Confusing or frustrating sex life? Confusing or frustrating life. Rewarding and fulfilling sex life? Your life is probably the same. Your recent sexual experiences, when examined consciously, can point you in the direction of breakthrough emotional growth.

So my question is, once you’ve worked through these emotional isues and are enjoying a rich and rewarding monogamous sex life, how do you continue to grow sexually? Once sex has helped you heal your emotional wounds, what role should it continue to play in your life?

Here are some of the possibilities I’ve been considering:

  • Go deeper. Stay monogamous and study something like tantra. Treat sex as an ongoing outlet for pleasure. I read a book on tantra earlier this year, but I haven’t really pursued it. Much of it seems to deal with deepening the physical pleasure, but that’s less important to me than deepening the emotional connection. Partly this is because my whole life has become so pleasurable that the pleasure of sex isn’t comparatively as big a contrast with my baseline emotional state. As one Tibetan monk said, “When you’re coming all the time, it [sex] doesn’t make any difference.” I’m not at that point yet, but I’m close enough to be able to relate to this statement.
  • Go wider. Does sexual monogamy limit the opportunities for personal growth? While I’ve no interest in being promiscuous, I do wonder what it would be like to share physical intimacy with others, especially those who see it as an emotional/spiritual connection rather than just a physical outlet. Erin feels much the same. We aren’t sexually possessive of each other, so we’re both open to this under the right conditions. Plus I imagine we’d be able to learn a lot from other people through direct experience. I’d love to hear from people who’ve gone down this path. Did it turn out to be a huge mistake? Or did it create a positive expansion of your existing relationship?
  • Rechannel it. I noticed that as I’ve gotten older, I’ve been able to more consciously channel my sexual energy into creative pursuits instead of being preoccupied with sex like I was during my 20s. I found it interesting that Napoleon Hill devotes a full chapter to this in Think and Grow Rich. He found that the wealthy people he studied were very highly sexed and had learned to rechannel their sex energy into their work.
  • Teach it. I could write about sex and how to enjoy a healthy sex life as well as how to enjoy a fulfilling relationship. This in turn might invite useful feedback, such as I’m likely to get from this post.
  • All of the above. Some creative combo of all of these.
  • Maintain status quo. Not really a serious option for me, but I figured I’d mention it.
  • Celibacy. You’re joking, right? While I’m sure this is a positive choice for some people, it doesn’t feel right for me personally.

Where do I go from here? What’s the best paradigm for defining the role of sex?

Self Magazine Sex Article

Self Magazine (May 2006 issue) has a little interview with me as part of an article titled, “Say Yes! to Sex.” The teaser line for the article is: ”Remember that can’t-wait-to-do-it feeling? Here’s how to recapture it, even after a stressful day.”

[ Insert voice of Scott Bakula saying, “Oh, boy…” ]

I did this interview almost a year ago when the writer called to ask if I could offer advice on how women can turn sex into a more frequent habit. At first I did a double-take, wondering if it was a serious request. However, the writer explained that the article was intended to gather sex advice from unusual sources. I’d never given much thought to applying habit formation techniques to sex before, but I thought… why not? Habits play a significant role in physical intimacy.

In the article I suggest turning physical intimacy into a habit by using the 30-day trial approach. Every day for the next 30 days, devote 30-60 minutes to talking, snuggling, cuddling, massage, and of course, sex with your partner. As the article accurately quotes me, “That time becomes sacred couple-intimacy time with no interruptions. The commitment to spend time alone together every day for 30 days will create the space for your sex life to blossom.”

If the trial doesn’t produce the results you want, you can begin a new 30-day trial of something different or return to the old habit. But by then the new habit will already be established, so if you wish to continue, it won’t be so difficult because momentum will be on your side.

I hadn’t envisioned this particular application when I first wrote about the 30-day trial method, but it’s nice to see that personal development techniques can even enhance our sex lives.

Five million women have just been told that I’m a sex expert. :)

There’s no way I can top that one. My life is all downhill from here. :(

But maybe this will be just enough to counter-balance my wife’s opinion. :)


What is Dating?

Wednesday, January 9, 2008


It is a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character. The dictionary describes it so differently than what others might think of it as a chance to get to know a person better. Do different cultures have different perspectives on dating? Yes, it does since it includes teens that are young and immature. Parents tend to worry about them when they go out. But why would parents need to worry when they know where their child has gone? They worry because it always makes it hard for them to not worry. It is in our parent’s nature to worry when we go out. Should parents allow their teen to date? No, if the parent(s) think that the child needs to be more responsible and mature then it's OK for them to say no to he/she.

Every culture has different ways of dating. Even though if a teen is mature enough to date say like 18 years or older, some parents might think that dating is not proper even though they are old enough to date. In my opinion I feel that Dating is OK as long as you don't go out without telling anyone, where you are going for your date or you have responsibilities.

Teens who are immature shouldn't be allowed to date unless they can show that they are responsible for their actions. Immature teens always try to prove that they are mature and they are responsible, but the only thing they forget at that time is that one mistake can ruin their life. Some teens are mature for their age. They understand the consequences of dating. In a dating situation people are more excited and happy about what they are doing, but who knows what is really happening. Dating is both bad and good. It is Bad because you don't know what you are doing bad and end up doing something silly. Or sometimes you might not even know much about your date. In other ways it is Good because in that way you get to know who you want in your future and what kind of a guy/girl you want.

I think it is better to wait until you are old enough to think wisely. Why would you want to wait that long? Because if you wait you will be prepared on what's coming, you can think clearly while making decisions, and be responsible. It is not always the case that you should be 18 or older to date.

Being responsible and mature to date is not the only thing. You have to have respect for yourself and others around you. That is the most important thing that you would have to be careful about.

Especially after observing some teens for a long time I have come to a conclusion that teens with caring and loving family have had no problem in their dating life or neither has the parents been too worried. And the teen with working parents is more likely to start dating at a young age without adults' permission.

Unlucky In Love?

We recently asked our Mars Venus telephone coaches to name the top relationship struggle they hear from female callers. The number one response was dating relationships that have failed because the man pulled away, stopped calling, or just turned out to be Mr. Wrong. Women report that these unsuccessful relationships leave them feeling powerless, mistreated, and sometimes wondering if they are even worthy of love.

Well, ladies, MarsVenus.com has some great suggestions to motivate you to toss out your tissues and climb aboard the happiness train! First and foremost, we can assure you that, as bleak as things may seem right now, things will get better. Man or no man, you are in control of your destiny in a relationship. Let’s explore how you can take responsibility for creating a healthy relationship.

To build a great relationship, we have to start by loving ourselves. It is impossible to love someone else, or to be loved by someone else, if we don’t feel worthy of love. In relationships, people tend to attract their mirror images. If you want to attract a self-assured and fulfilled partner, you must also have a healthy self-esteem and a life that works, regardless of where the relationship is headed. A relationship and a partner cannot be expected to fulfill all of our needs. It is important to have a strong sense of who we are in order to bond with a partner without losing a healthy sense of our own worth.

Some women sleep around in order to build up their self-esteem, which is an approach that usually backfires. If this is your choice, it’s okay to depend on a man for romantic stimulation, but it’s not healthy to depend on him to feel worthy of the attention. A woman must first feel valuable within herself, and then get a man’s affection. If she needs his affection to feel special or important, she will be too dependent upon him. Ultimately, this unhealthy neediness may well turn him off, and she will get hurt. In the ideal world, a man should be the icing on the cake for a woman, not the cake itself!

Ladies, remember that it is okay to say no to sex if you are not ready. You should expect men to ask for sex; it’s what most men do. You should keep in mind that a man doesn’t really expect her to say yes. Many men anticipate the worst and hope for the best. Women who feel unsure of themselves, who are perhaps a little needy, may give in too easily. Women are often afraid of losing a man if she does not say yes. Ironically, he will leave anyway if she gives in too soon! Men need to chase for a while. When a man cares about a woman, though he may want to have sex, he also just wants to spend time with her.

Men really like being “used” by women, meaning that men need to feel helpful. They want to do things for women. They want to buy dinner and give little gifts and generally do nice things to make a woman feel good. They want to be the one doing the pursuing in a relationship. And, women, you don’t owe them anything. You do not have to “do something” to earn their love and attention. All you have to do is be interested in and receptive to what a man has to offer.

Now that we’ve covered the basics, consider the following five powerful, esteem-building rules for women to put into practice:

1. Date around.
If you tend to start thinking about china patterns after just one date, he’ll have good reason to walk the other way. Meet a variety of men; after all, you deserve the best one for you!

2. Don’t be too available/don’t sit around and wait for his call.
Remember, men love the thrill of the chase. A confident woman is irresistible to a man. Make room in your schedule to take a class, join a club, or volunteer for a favorite cause.

3. Don’t drop everything for him when he does call.
Men are interested in women who have truly satisfying lives. The woman who leads a fulfilling life, with the positive influence of friends and interests, sends a message to men that she is responsible for her own happiness.

4. Have sex when you are ready.
Remember, having sex early can increase your emotional bond, so if you’re still exploring the possibilities of a relationship, make sure you’re ready. It’s absolutely okay to wait until you are!

5. Do not pursue a man more then he is pursuing you.
This is so important for women to put into practice. His job is to seduce you; it’s your job to attract his interest. A man will be less likely to commit if he does not get to pursue.

If you’re following these golden rules and still having dating difficulties, perhaps it is time to call a coach to figure out once and for all why it’s not working! Dating does not have to be as difficult as it is for many people. Often, just one phone call can uncover what is causing you to fail, and set you on the path to a healthier relationship! And of course, the best way to find out how and why coaching works is simply to give it a try.

Personal Empowerment in Relationships

Personal empowerment often plays a big role in the quality of your relationships because of the beliefs and behaviors you express in your interactions with others.

If you've ever expected a relationship to somehow "complete" you or make you feel strong or whole, you probably experienced disappointment and frustration as it seemed to cause bigger problems in your life.

There are several reasons why personal empowerment is important in relationships:

1) Other people sense the way you feel about yourself and treat you accordingly.

Have you ever noticed that other people seem to pick up on subtle cues and reflect your own beliefs back to you? For example, if you lack confidence, you'll often find yourself encountering aggressive or intimidating people who seem to exacerbate those feelings. If you don't have a healthy level of respect for yourself, you'll probably encounter plenty of people who don't respect you either.

This is no accident! People tend to sense your inner beliefs based on your demeanor and body language, and gear their behavior to match.

When you're empowered and strong, you communicate that essence to others, and others will treat you as such, resulting in healthier relationships.

2) You'll notice in others the things you dislike about yourself.

Have you ever heard of "projecting"your own perceptions and beliefs onto others? A lack of self-love within yourself will often cause you to believe that others don't love you either. A lack of confidence in yourself will attract people that you struggle to place your confidence in also!

When you are empowered and confident, you'll end up attracting others who both see you that way and embody the same qualities themselves.

3) You'll constantly look to others for reassurance and validation.

When you don't feel empowered or confident, you'll constantly seek reassurance and validation from the people around you. Rather than feeling self-assured, you’ll appear to be needy and insecure, which will place a drain on your relationship and push others away from you.

Remember that empowerment is an inside job! You need to give yourself love, respect and confidence first if you want to also receive it from others.

Fulfilling and satisfying relationships require that both partners are empowered and balanced before entering into them. When you empower yourself from within, you bring a stronger element of genuine love, respect and intimacy to your relationships and stop seeking validation from outside sources. Ultimately, this ensures that your connections with others will be deeper, richer and more meaningful.

Loves Lost - Past Mistakes

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Have you ever been so in love with someone that you could feel it every time you talked to that person? Did you tell them how you felt and what was in your heart? Did it make any difference to them?

Have you ever hurt so bad from it that you just felt sick with heartache? The bad news is there really is no way to change this. This sort of love usually occurred in high school. That feeling of finding the right one and somehow knowing that you could spend the rest of your life with that person. But you also knew deep down somewhere that it would never happen, but at the same time, deeper in your soul you could see that future.

So here is the scenario. There is a guy who likes this girl, but she never really notices him. One day the girl sees the guy driving his new hot car and stops him in the hallway at school to ask if it is his car. At that point in time the guy is thinking of how nice it would be if that was his girlfriend. The two become really good friends and soon the guy asks the girl to be his girlfriend... she says no, but in so many words. The guy eventually find out she is interested in his best friend. Talk about a kick in the gut. As time goes on the the girl and the guy are still really good friends, but she still doesn't feel the same for the guy as he does for her. In the process of this relationship, Being friends as it is, the guy continually expresses his love. It makes the girl sad in some ways because she knows that he is being sincere, but there is no change in how she really feels.

In one way or another this has happened to all of us. But why? what was it? Were we too ugly, too skinny, too fat, Hair to long, too short? WHAT!? Maybe it was nothing physical at all. So we ask ourselves this question? Did we do this to someone else and they are thinking what we are thinking of right now? Did we unknowingly hurt them by not having the same feelings for them as they did for us? And so on.

As the years press on you never really know what will happen. Sometimes the feelings fade away and you fall in love with someone else and that other person is forgotten. But what happens when those feelings come back, and they can. You begin to start brainstorming of all the things you said and did that could have been changed to make that person love you. But again, deep down, you always know it will never happen and never could.

Perhaps you tell yourself that if you could go back in time and change something what would it be? Would it make any difference? Could you do or say something different to make it happen the way you want? Probably not, No matter how much we would want to change the past to suit how we feel today, it would not matter. We may actually change something that could cause our lives to become worse in the future. It probably wouldn't matter how careful you could be. It may actually turn out better for you or extremely worse, making you feel much more heartache than before.

What it eventually comes down to is you were not meant to be with that person, no matter how much you may want it to be. Life is funny that way, you are never sure of what will happen next but you have a pretty good idea it won't go the way you want? We have all these ideas and fantasies in our heads of how we want our lives to be with someone that we may never have. You try to see your life through their eyes and thoughts hoping that it will make a difference. You think how they may be thinking of you, Hoping that they assume they made the mistake of not accepting who you once were, but who you are now. Trying to imagine what that person thinks of you now is futile. they may be very impressed with your life and the things you have done and accomplished and maybe, just maybe, be a little envious of you. But will it make them love you the way you wanted to in the past? Doubtful. Probable? Maybe, depending on weather or not they are married and have kids and a good wholesome marriage. Or are they totally lost and here is you chance to help them find the way. That's usually the scene we all play over and over in our head knowing that that's not the case.

Hope. how do define a word that already has the answer we don't want to hear? You can keep asking yourself "what happened?" What did you do wrong? Nothing, you did nothing wrong but yet nothing happened either. Was it love or just deep infatuation for something you knew would never come your way. If years have past and not one thought of that person crossed your mind and then suddenly they "pop" into your head and those same thoughts are running through your mind, you may very well have been in love or there may be an issue of closure that you never got the chance to take. Either way it's done and there is no going back and no changing the past. It is a very sad thought but it is real and it hurts but you have to take the other person into consideration. Are they happy? If they are that may be just one step into helping yourself let them go.

One of the best remedies for this talking about it to someone you can trust, because someday those feelings will go away. Holding on to past dreams and hopes are the some of the best ways to either improve or ruin your life. I suppose it depends on the road you take now.

Should the first time machine come on line anytime down the road, I am pretty sure 99% of us will be standing in line to take that chance and see if the unchangeable can be changed. All I can say is good luck to all of you.

Membership Mission

Goal

Plan and implement activities for the membership.

1. Conduct membership meetings.

2. Arrange and implement the member-family picnic.

3. Organize your own membership newsletter

4. Coordinate your own website

5. Schedule area membership meetings:

a. Spring Get-together
b. Fall Round-Up

6. Implement a district/regional training seminar.

7. Develop and implement effective membership recruitment and retention programs.

COMMITTEES


Section 7.01 Executive Committee. The Executive Committee shall consist of the five (5) officers and the Secretary-Treasurer of the Board. The Executive Committee shall monitor compensation, benefits and personnel policies for the staff; identify strategic issues to bring to the Board; advise staff on day-to-day issues; establish the agenda for Board meetings; map out how the Board’s business should be conducted; and organize the activity of other committees. The Executive Committee is authorized to invest, expend, borrow, and enter contractual arrangements in accordance within the approved budget. The Executive Director will consult with the Executive Committee regarding problems needing rapid resolution.

Section 7.02 Sourcing and Nomination Committee. The Sourcing and Nomination Committee shall consist of: the Past-President who serves as Chair; two (2) NACE members who are serving or have previously served on the NACE Board of Directors; and up to three (3) NACE members at large. Appointees of this committee shall reflect the diversity of the membership and the association's commitment to diversity as a core value. Appointments will be for one year. The Sourcing and Nomination Committee shall implement the sourcing, nominations and elections procedures as outlined in the NACE Policy and Procedures Manual.

Section 7.03 Finance and Audit Committee. The Finance and Audit Committee shall consist of at least five (5) voting members of the Board, including the Past-President who shall serve as Chair, the President-Elect and the Secretary-Treasurer, who shall serve as a non-voting member of the committee. The Finance and Audit Committee shall oversee the NACE financial policies, the annual operating and capital budgets, the review of financial reports, the annual audit and NACE investment strategies as outlined in the NACE Policy and Procedures Manual.

Section 7.04 Other Committees. The Board may create other committees to which it may delegate various functions. The Board shall issue to the committee a specific charge with a definition of the committee’s authority. The Board will ensure the appointment of committees for the governance of NACE including, but not limited to, the Executive Committee.